She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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