sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
