Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
