i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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