Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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