How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
