guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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