I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
