not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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