I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
