mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
mondays should just be called national damage control day
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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