If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
