my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
