3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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