does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I lost the right to judge tonight
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
