I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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