Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Randomize
