god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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