No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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