I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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