I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
