he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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