I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
