oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
