Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
