Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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