Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
