I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
