Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
