so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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