She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
