He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
