Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
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