just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You ate ashes out of my bong
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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