if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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