This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
