If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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