im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
