I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My ass is underappreciated
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
