I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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