i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
