Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
