You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
