my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
i've created a new STD.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
