Duck Duck Cougar?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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