I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i've created a new STD.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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