im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
