At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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