I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
