just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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