It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
