I will die if light touches me.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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