my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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