watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
