I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
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He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
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Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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