I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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