Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
