I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
