then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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